So my lucky arse has a boyfriend who decides to work at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. This meant for 3 weeks I didn't get to see him (it was longer last year because I was in New Zealand). When the setting up is all done he starts to get a rota which means I get to go through for a few days at a time each week, crash at his digs and maybe catch a show or two. It also meant that I was unable to make a post for the last week and a bit.


This week we didn't do much at all. I arrived in Edinburgh, I love getting the train through as it only takes about 40 minutes and it's a good time to chill and listen to some music... well that depends on how busy the train is. Walked up to his venue and had our wee reunion. Got some food, went back to his digs and met his 1 flatmate who is cool. We watched Game of Thrones and went to bed. Next day we got up at like 3pm got ready, got some food, some coffee and then went back to the digs again. Watched Futurama, got some stuff to make dinner which was a disaster. Next day I went home. So definitely not the most exciting time but I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him.

I stayed a little longer than intended the second time. I did get a lot done in this week though whilst almost getting run over because someone ran through a red light. Definitely was shaken up quite a bit. There was also a mouse in the flat he was staying in so that got a little interesting. I saw about 9 shows in total including Sam Simmons, Hot Brown Honey which was fantastic and Marcel Lucont which was one of my favourites. One of the cool things is I got to sit at the technical desk at the back during some shows. I really enjoy watching Chris work and I learned just how much work really goes into a show and the Fringe.



I also had plenty of time to keep myself entertained so I went to the National Museum of Scotland and went to see the Jacobite Exhibition which was really interesting. For living in Scotland we really do not get taught enough about the Jacobites and the highland clearances which I personally think is an important part of our history. There was also some free music events at the museum and I just happened to catch it. The music on the day I was there were provided by a couple of guys who are part of a group known as Talisk and thought they were rather enjoyable. Upbeat and bouncy and very Scottish feeling.

So there is something in my life which I am definitely very good at. It's not something I am quite happy about but I'm good at it anyway. Doesn't mean it's a positive thing. In fact it's probably rather negative. I am very good at pushing people away. Exceptional I must admit.

I am not the most sociable person on the planet but put me in a social setting with a bunch of people and I would do alright and surprise myself that I may actually be having a good time. It's keeping social ties that I find hard. It's staying in a sociable mood that comes with great difficulty. I'm not entirely sure why but there it is.

The time I'm at my best at pushing people away are times when I am in a rut or going through some rough times. I tend to keep myself to myself and don't like burdening people with my problems. Opening up to people is something I'm not fond of doing which for someone who is blogging seems a little strange but the circumstances are a little different. Opening up involves letting yourself be vulnerable to people. I've done it before, it's backfired and people have used information against me or turned it against me which is not a fun feeling. Get burned and you attempt to stay away from the fire a second time.


There are only a small number of people who I feel that I can trust with my openness and vulnerability and that is my best friend and boyfriend. Me and my best friend are a good bit similar when it comes to people that I know she understands the most and is super supportive and my boyfriend is also one of the most supportive people I know that opening up to him is easy and I am glad I do have supportive and loving people in my life. My mum is also a good person to have a good rant to and my dad totally understands too as he's very much the same. Well, I know where I get it from. Not everyone makes it easy though or there's too much energy involved in trying to make other people understand. Therefore I isolate myself to an extent.

Sometimes I just want to light some candles, stick something on that I can binge watch and hide under my covers and stay there until my rut blows over. Sometimes that can take a day, a week or even a month or more. Some people during these times think that I no longer want to be friends or that I am losing interest and even when I try to tell them that I isolate myself sometimes they don't understand. So, I isolate myself from them even more. Pushing them away. I've probably done it quite a few times now. Part of me is sorry, I am human and I may not always deal with things in a way that everyone likes but I'm also not sorry for looking after myself.

We are all human and we all make mistakes but looking after ourselves is not one of them. If people aren't willing to understand your way of looking after yourself and trust that when you feel ok again you'll start doing things with them again then are they really your friend? My way of thinking is when I'm not at my best then I don't want to be around people knowing that I'm not going to be good company and bring the mood down.

Sure, pushing people away is not the best way to handle things, maybe pushing people isn't the best way to explain it. Perhaps it is merely isolating yourself and when you drag yourself back into life people aren't around to give you hug and say "welcome back mate, we missed you!".

Have you ever had a similar issue? How do you cope with it? Let me know. :)

"You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”." - Erin McKean

Having psoriasis can have it's catch 22 moments. Your skin needs the vitamins that the sun provides but when your skin is in the middle of a flare up all you want to do is cover it up meaning your skin is not getting what it needs. It also doesn't help that I live in a country where the sun does not come out to play all too often. I love you Scotland but damn your weather sucks a lot of the time. Everytime I went to Florida my skin always miraculously cleared up. Up until two years ago I definitely covered up my arms all the time. I'd be working in 20 degrees heat with a cardigan on. Even then people still noticed it on my hands. The faulty thinking here is that people noticing it is a negative thing. It's not. However it's the reactions of people which can be hard to cope with. I've personally been quite lucky in most of my interactions. Most people have been compassionate. I've even had actual helpful advice that a lot of people wouldn't consider. I've heard some awful stories about how people have reacted to psoriasis and it's horrible. It's not a disease, it's not an infection and it's not contagious but there are people who are so ignorant. 

Over the last two years though I have stuck to a strict regime of creams and gels as when I was a teenager I could never keep up with it. Past Suzie was an absolute idiot. Now my skin is mostly clear apart from very stubborn areas like my knees and elbows. However, I'm still not fully comfortable with showing off my legs. I used to having amazing legs by the way. Baby steps though right? Not everyone is as lucky as this. Some people need to go for light treatment or have intense treatment for it. I really hope mine doesn't ever reach this stage. I know someone who was burned by the light therapy and had to be admitted to hospital for a week. It can also hurt like hell. The plaques crack and peel. Sometimes it feels red and raw and for me with it on my knees sometimes it causes pain in my knees. 




Confidence is highly impacted when you have a skin condition like that. If you have it on your scalp or hairline you feel like you have a limited amount of ways to have your hair. This actually must be worse for males or anyone who prefers to have shorter hair. Your choice in clothing is limited if you feel like you don't want to go out sleeveless etc. Make up can be a pain in the arse to deal with if you have it on your face. My confidence used be non-existent. I never thought I was ugly or unattractive. I just thought I would be so much better and happier if this psoriasis wasn't there. It can honestly bring you down and make you not want to go out. Which it certainly has made me feel. Thing is with it being under control and tamed I am slowly gaining that confidence back. I still have bits here and there which are still obvious but fuck it. We can't put our life on hold or let it slow us down. 

Another catch 22 of this inconvenience is that when you are stressed you are more likely to have a flare up. Now anyone who knows me will know my anxiety spikes pretty easily. Soon as I see a small red patch I'd end up stressing out which just makes it worse so it is a vicious cycle. Everyone's experience with this is absolutely different though so this is just one perspective. One of many perspectives. 

Psoriasis isn't just a skin condition. It can be serious, it has a serious impact on people's lives and their confidence and mental health. Living with psoriasis may not be fun but it's time to not let it stop you from having fun. Sometimes it's hard to learn to love the skin you're in and sometimes you'll go through phases where you love it and you hate it. We are only human after all. 



Honestly there are models who have psoriasis such as Caridee English who won America's Next Top Model one year and Cara Delevingne. Even Kim Kardashian can be added to that list. So it may shape us as people and contribute to who we are but it does not define us.

Do you have psoriasis? Or a different kind of skin condition that knocks your confidence? What's your skincare routine like?

Think it's safe to say as a young girl growing up in the 90's I was obsessed with Disney movies. Who took her life lessons from the Disney Princesses such as Belle and Ariel, who cried with Simba and Bambi and loved the heroines such as Mulan and Pocahontas. I watched all these movies over and over again to the point that I'm surprised I didn't ruin the videos. Ah the days of VHS where you had to rewind the movie to watch it again. I still love Disney movies and some of the new ones are just as good. Getting to watch the classics and the newer ones with my niece and nephew are also fun times. Getting to see it through their eyes which are full of wonder, hope and excitement.