Anxiety is not something I really talk about to anyone whether it's online or to those who I regard as close. It's also not something I have been diagnosed with by a medical professional however it is something I am very aware of and have definitely had since at least high school maybe even beyond that. Sometimes I do think that I should go and talk to the doctor about it as recently is has been something that is somewhat getting in the way of things.
How it Manifests
When my anxiety surfaces it can show it's annoying face in many different ways. It depends on specific situations. Sometimes my stomach will become sore and cramp like along with my temperature raising to the point I sometimes sweat, will sometimes feel sick and become dizzy as my heart rate increases and my breathing gets faster. It's not fun and it probably happens more often than I care to admit. Sometimes I can ignore it and push through it then there's times not so much.
Recently
Sometimes my anxiety forces me to do things because I then get anxiety about the what if I don't do it. This can sometimes be a good thing, I mean I'd rather be able to do things without that thought process and the feelings that come with it. I think it is quite a multi-layered process really. However, recently the anxiety has stopped me from doing things. For one, there was a day I was supposed to be in uni and instead of getting the train to uni I got the train to somewhere else. I walked around for a bit, got myself new PJ's, went for another walk, got myself some coffee and then got the train back home. Perhaps I needed it but running away is not the best answer. During this, intrusive thoughts were bothering me for example I did think "what if I just don't go back". Thankfully, I have plenty to go back home to. I don't have an unhappy life, I'm not unhappy.
It was just a blip. A blip of many blips. It was definitely like one of those bugs you get in games. Something that just wasn't working the way it was supposed to. Someone was pressing the left button but for some reason my character was going the other way.
There was another day where I was meant to go to an event on migration held by my uni. I was looking forward to it a lot... until the last couple of days beforehand. On the day I couldn't bring myself to go and I hate that it was like this. I cancelled my ticket so it wouldn't go to waste (I hope it didn't, it sounds like it was an interesting event). I do kick myself a little bit but hey oh.
What now?
I honestly don't know. I would like to be able to go to someone and talk. Medication is also not out of the question for me. I was put on beta-blockers for migraines for a short period 4 years ago and the anxiety didn't disappear but it was easier to manage and some of the symptoms were lessened which was a great feeling. Asking for help however is not easy which is a bit of a catch 22.
Thank you so much for reading this. If you could relate let me know or know anyone who goes through this. If you just want to chat you can let me know, or find me on social media.
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