On Wanting Kids

Recently two of my cousins have announced that they are pregnant which is kind of exciting. I do love babies. It kind of got me rethinking though on whether I want to have kids or not. I always change my mind on my stance on it. And I guess the answer to it will always be "whatever happens will happen". 

As a child I was heavily into playing with my dolls and I grew up thinking that my main purpose in life was to have a family of my own and be a mother. I'm not entirely sure if this was a result of socialisation and learning of gender roles or not. Quite possibly. I still do have a strong maternal instinct. When my niece was born her parents were staying with us so I helped out as much as I could and I enjoyed it. Now I know when they're not your own the saying is that they can always be handed back to their parents but in this situation I felt I was helping to give her parents a break so I wasn't exactly handing her back when she got grumpy or needed something. I know parenting isn't easy, you don't get a handbook and you make mistakes along the way but I wouldn't make a terrible parent. So why am I so unsure? 

Last year my brother and I were talking about having kids and I mentioned something along the lines of "I don't think I want to" and his reply to that was "you better make me an uncle someday". I just replied saying that I'd rather have a puppy, laughed it off and changed the subject. People still don't understand that some women do not want to have kids or are unsure. We were talking about this in my Gender, Body and Society class that women are still stigmatised if they don't have kids. Considered barren which is an awful term. Some women don't even get to have the choice.

My niece and nephew.

I don't even know if it's the being a parent and bringing up children that I'm unsure about. I think it's the idea of pregnancy. That freaks me out. As I've grown up and known people who have been pregnant, seen the videos, heard the stories it really freaks me out. Something growing inside of you, amazing, a wonder but also scary as fuck. Respect to all you who go through it. 

I do get pure broody sometimes. I'll be in Tesco or something and a wee baby will be in the trolley and I'll just be like "awwwwh" making the wee ^_^ face. Similar to how I react to puppies just not as loudly. Or when I see baby clothes and I'm like "someone needs to have a baby so I can buy these". I wouldn't want to have kids because society expects me to it'll be because I want to. Those questions you hear "oh when are you going to get married?" or "oh when will we hear the little pitter patter of tiny feet?"  It's so intrusive and why should anyone live to anyone else's expectations. 

The thing is I am getting older, and if I were to have kids I don't want to be too old but I am also too busy concentrating on getting my degree and possibly going into primary teaching after that. I know women who have had babies in their late 30's and it is completely possible so there is still plenty of time for me to decide. I mean this is all considering what the other person in the relationship wants too of course. Right now I am happy just being Auntie Susan. We'll see what the future holds.

This was just kind of all my thoughts spilling out on the topic and might not make much sense but oh well. Does anyone else have this battle of not knowing whether they want to have kids or not? Are you adamant on whether you want to or not? Would love to hear your thoughts.

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