Recently two of my cousins have announced that they are pregnant which is kind of exciting. I do love babies. It kind of got me rethinking though on whether I want to have kids or not. I always change my mind on my stance on it. And I guess the answer to it will always be "whatever happens will happen". 

As a child I was heavily into playing with my dolls and I grew up thinking that my main purpose in life was to have a family of my own and be a mother. I'm not entirely sure if this was a result of socialisation and learning of gender roles or not. Quite possibly. I still do have a strong maternal instinct. When my niece was born her parents were staying with us so I helped out as much as I could and I enjoyed it. Now I know when they're not your own the saying is that they can always be handed back to their parents but in this situation I felt I was helping to give her parents a break so I wasn't exactly handing her back when she got grumpy or needed something. I know parenting isn't easy, you don't get a handbook and you make mistakes along the way but I wouldn't make a terrible parent. So why am I so unsure? 

Last year my brother and I were talking about having kids and I mentioned something along the lines of "I don't think I want to" and his reply to that was "you better make me an uncle someday". I just replied saying that I'd rather have a puppy, laughed it off and changed the subject. People still don't understand that some women do not want to have kids or are unsure. We were talking about this in my Gender, Body and Society class that women are still stigmatised if they don't have kids. Considered barren which is an awful term. Some women don't even get to have the choice.

My niece and nephew.

I don't even know if it's the being a parent and bringing up children that I'm unsure about. I think it's the idea of pregnancy. That freaks me out. As I've grown up and known people who have been pregnant, seen the videos, heard the stories it really freaks me out. Something growing inside of you, amazing, a wonder but also scary as fuck. Respect to all you who go through it. 

I do get pure broody sometimes. I'll be in Tesco or something and a wee baby will be in the trolley and I'll just be like "awwwwh" making the wee ^_^ face. Similar to how I react to puppies just not as loudly. Or when I see baby clothes and I'm like "someone needs to have a baby so I can buy these". I wouldn't want to have kids because society expects me to it'll be because I want to. Those questions you hear "oh when are you going to get married?" or "oh when will we hear the little pitter patter of tiny feet?"  It's so intrusive and why should anyone live to anyone else's expectations. 

The thing is I am getting older, and if I were to have kids I don't want to be too old but I am also too busy concentrating on getting my degree and possibly going into primary teaching after that. I know women who have had babies in their late 30's and it is completely possible so there is still plenty of time for me to decide. I mean this is all considering what the other person in the relationship wants too of course. Right now I am happy just being Auntie Susan. We'll see what the future holds.

This was just kind of all my thoughts spilling out on the topic and might not make much sense but oh well. Does anyone else have this battle of not knowing whether they want to have kids or not? Are you adamant on whether you want to or not? Would love to hear your thoughts.

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This month marks three years of being on birth control. Three years ago yesterday I went to a clinic and waited an insane amount of time and had the Nexplanon implant inserted. I've had my ups and downs with being on birth control so far and decided to do a little post on that rollercoaster. I am fully aware that everyone is different when it comes to birth control. Some works better for others and some are horrible for others. It's a very personal thing. 

Nexplanon Implant

Three years ago I was convinced by some guy I was in a relationship with at the time to get this. My friend came with me to a walk-in clinic where we waited all day (I'm positive I was one of the last seen that day) for me to get it done. The process was pretty simple and I didn't have too much bruising or pain in my arm afterwards. The nurse did ask a few questions but didn't seem too interested in my answers. I got my period like normal the first month and then it all went somewhat downhill after that. I was constantly bleeding or spotting for 2 weeks at a time sometimes more. Then it got a little better where I had no periods at all. It was definitely up and down like this until we got to January of this year. I was bleeding heavily for 2 months straight. It was awful. Not only does it make you tired, emotional and a bit fed up but who can afford to constantly buy tampons to keep up with that? Not me. I started to resent the implant and something had to be done. So I went to the doctors.

Mini-Pill

The doctor was really understanding of the situation and had asked why did I not just go on the pill or mini-pill in the first place. To be honest it's because I'm really bad at taking tablets and taking them at the same time everyday (this is something I am still bad at and should be more consistent with now that my implant has expired). She decided to put me on the mini-pill as I suffer from migraines. She also took my blood pressure and found that it was super duper high (which has been another whole story of constant visits to the doctors) but she put me on them anyway. The bleeding eased off almost immediately. I haven't had a period since March. As I also suffered really badly from cramps and would feel really unwell during my periods this is also a positive thing as I no longer suffer. My skin however on my face broke out into spots and I never had issues with spots as a teenager so this was totally new to me. I already have crappy skin with psoriasis so I'm all kitted out with moisturisers etc so spots isn't a major deal with me. Apart from spots I don't seem to have any other side effects that impact my moods or health -touches wood-.

Why I'm On Birth Control

A whole lot of reasons to be completely honest. First of all as I mentioned I was convinced from a previous relationship. Part of me wishes I hadn't listened to him or got more advice from the doctor when I went to see them in the first instance because he wasn't very empathetic towards the side effects. But hey oh. I found something that was right for me eventually. Even though it has been a roller coaster it has had major benefits such as lessening my awful cramps and nausea and general unwell feelings I get during that time of the month. Second of all. I am not ready to have kids and not sure if I ever will be. There are many reasons to be on birth control and all of them are acceptable. 

The Future

So, I should really get the implant taken out as it's now ran out I guess but I have seen videos of how they do it and it definitely puts me off. I will continue with the mini-pill as I have a year's supply at the moment and babies are not on my agenda at the moment. Although talking about having kids is a post I am planning on doing in the very near future. I also realise that I am very fortunate to live in a country where birth control is easily accessible and free. I feel everyone should have that entitlement. Birth control is not a luxury. Most of the time it's for our health and should be regarded as that.

What has been your experiences with birth control? Are you considering going on birth control but don't know what to go for? Or if you have any questions leave them below.

P.S. Don't do what I done. Don't feel pressured by the guy to go on a particular form just because his previous relationships all had it and it worked for them. They know sweet F.A. Talk to the doctor, talk to your friends or people online and get a scope of experiences. You might find what works for you straight away or sometimes it could take a couple of tries before you find what works.

Also I know it's only November but I'm currently listening to Sia's Christmas album and 'Puppies are Forever' is amazing.
Thanks for reading. :)

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